While having cancer came with it's own set of fucked up consequences, it also came to me as a blessing in disguise because it taught me to find happiness in this smallest situations.
Ever since initiating chemotherapy, I often found myself down in the dumps. I feel trapped and I couldn't recall a situation that has made me unhappier. The presence of social media made it worse as I saw my twenty-something year old peers live their lives to the fullest while all I had to do was wait miserably for my next chemo session.
Ever since initiating chemotherapy, I often found myself down in the dumps. I feel trapped and I couldn't recall a situation that has made me unhappier. The presence of social media made it worse as I saw my twenty-something year old peers live their lives to the fullest while all I had to do was wait miserably for my next chemo session.
I was angry and I was jealous.
But just before I let it consume me, I finally found a reason to look forward to everyday. Granted, I wasn't suicidal, but I was becoming toxic.
And as weird as this might sound, I look forward to having fresh food everyday *shows double chin* Although the idea of 'tasty food' has become a foreign concept to me, I guess a foodie will always be a foodie.
I also seek comfort in binge watching series on Netflix, baking and making plans once the side effects wears off. I know it's all simple and nothing like the middle class luxury of impromptu shopping sprees at Sephora or having eyelash extensions but happiness is still happiness no matter how big or small.
Apart from that, it made me realize the people who matter. Ever since I announced my diagnosis, I could count the number of people who's still here. Yes, the world doesn't revolve around me and everyone has their own problems. But it truly is the littlest gestures - like the ones who reply to every single igstory about my journey, even if it's just a heart shaped emoji.
While I was surprised with the amount of support I received from acquaintances, ex schoolmates, colleagues and even ex boyfriends, nothing shocked me more than the silence of some friends, or friends. Needless to say, I was disappointed. But given the fact that I already have a lot on my plate, I decided to just let it slide and to no longer put my hopes in these people.
2018 was a long year for me. After resigning from my job, I thought that 2018 could potentially be a year of growth. But it became a year of healing and self-discovery.
This year, was also the first time I went on my first solo trip to Tasmania. I wasn't alone throughout of course but going on a solo flight counts for something and let me just say that I had one of the worst in-flight experience ever. Nevertheless, it was a small matter. But I genuinely hope to not have to take Singapore Airlines ever again.
Rewind to my time in Tasmania, it truly was an eye-opener. I remembered my trip vividly as though it was yesterday. I missed the serenity and the calmness and despite being to Australia for the millionth time, I always came back with a culture shock. The holiday came in the midst of work politics and oh boy, how much I needed that break. Oh what I would give to go back.
Another major milestone was graduation. If you were to ask me when I was a poly student, I'd thought that having a Diploma (or an Advance Diploma) would be the end of my education journey. But here I am with a Bachelor's Degree.
It definitely hasn't been easy having to juggle through work and school but I'm just thankful for having really good classmates. Also considering the fact that I pretty much self sponsored my university education, I was much more motivated to study harder and it definitely showed in my results. Well, I wasn't excellent, but it was still an accomplishment.
Moving on to the topic of firsts, Aziz and I celebrated our first year anniversary this year.
Things really took a turn for the worst ever since the diagnosis but if there's anything that cancer has proved is that our love could withstand anything. Not to toot on my own horn but I think I found myself a keeper because really, who else is willing to accompany me to every appointment during the holidays?
Lastly, I said goodbye to my first job as a full fledged nurse and while the past three years had taught me to be resilient and disciplined, a lot more has happened other than the lessons and it didn't take long for me to realize that it was finally time to move on. I've had my fair share of controversial opinions when it comes to healthcare in Singapore but at the end of the day, I don't think that there's another job that can ever give me the same satisfaction as a nurse.
Like I always say, the healthcare industry in Singapore is brutal - and if dealing with difficult patients and relatives aren't enough, the lack of transparency, and not to mention politics, makes it harder to survive in this line. Whatever medical drama you've watched can never measure up to the harsh reality of being a healthcare worker. And while I've seen many who has excelled in their field, there are still many others who have crumbled.
Nevertheless, this is definitely not the end of the line for me. I dare say that I was young, and probably still naive to be able to fully understand how the working world works and learn about the inevitable reality of workplace drama and politics. There's so much more the world of nursing has to offer and I cannot wait to explore it.
Lastly, I said goodbye to my first job as a full fledged nurse and while the past three years had taught me to be resilient and disciplined, a lot more has happened other than the lessons and it didn't take long for me to realize that it was finally time to move on. I've had my fair share of controversial opinions when it comes to healthcare in Singapore but at the end of the day, I don't think that there's another job that can ever give me the same satisfaction as a nurse.
Like I always say, the healthcare industry in Singapore is brutal - and if dealing with difficult patients and relatives aren't enough, the lack of transparency, and not to mention politics, makes it harder to survive in this line. Whatever medical drama you've watched can never measure up to the harsh reality of being a healthcare worker. And while I've seen many who has excelled in their field, there are still many others who have crumbled.
Nevertheless, this is definitely not the end of the line for me. I dare say that I was young, and probably still naive to be able to fully understand how the working world works and learn about the inevitable reality of workplace drama and politics. There's so much more the world of nursing has to offer and I cannot wait to explore it.
I guess the biggest lesson I've learned from 2018 was learning to let go of toxicity - not just from friendship but on the day I submitted my resignation letter. I remembered leaving my superior's office feeling like the whole weight lifted off my shoulders and the only time I looked back was to relive the glory of knowing that the future has so much to hold.
And I guess that's how 2019 will start for me - with lots of adventures and uncertainty. Perhaps with much more love and gratitude too. Happy New Year, lovelies Xx
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