Saturday, 21 July 2018

Seeking Refuge

Words don't flow out of my mouth as easily as when I type them. Like a composer who meddles with ways on how to write the perfect song, I seek refuge by expressing my feelings through writing.

I'm heartbroken. A non scientific term that as a nurse, was taught to not use because how can a heart be physically broken? But when it feels like your heart is getting heavier and palpitating even harder every second and then it finally sinks to the bottom of your stomach, how else would you call it?

Pain. Nothing but pain. Pain on your chest from taking in too much emotional struggles all at once. Pain from throbbing headaches. Pain in your neck from multiple failed attempts at swallowing tears and sore eyes from tugging them a little too roughly.

Anger, knowing that genuine words are left unacknowledged and unappreciated. And sad, from disappointment of the outcome.

So many words and yet not one other person can fully understand what it is that I'm feeling.

But if it makes it any easier, I've got one word to sum it all.


Thursday, 11 January 2018

Realizing That Nursing Isn't For Me

I've contemplated writing about my job for a long time. There are probably some of you who wouldn't agree with what I have to say but do keep in mind that this is my platform where I'd express my innermost thoughts.

Being a nurse for two years has definitely not expose me to every kind of challenge there is in nursing and also in the working world - but here's my two cents. 

You've probably read about the struggles of being a nurse and before you even begin to cringe and ponder if they are accurate, well, they are. 

On most days, things like having to hold our bladder, not being able to go for breaks at all, working for more than 5 consecutive days (if I may add, for at least 9 hours a day) are almost (emphasis on almost) the least of our problems. 

The list goes on and I can't even begin to comprehend how exhausting it is. I wish I could say that in years to come, I'd be immune to any kind of problem being thrown at me. Unfortunately, given how emotionally driven I am as a person, small things affect me one way or another. I'd like to think that words won't hurt as much as sticks and stones do, but dealing with patients (and a couple of co-workers) who belittles you on a regular basis does some thing to a person. 

BUT. That's probably just me, and it is an insecurity I've had for a long time but lets not get into that. 

The biggest challenge I've ever had to face as a nurse would be the fact that nurses always come last

If you think about it, we are constantly putting others before ourselves. Emptying our bladders and filling our stomach would have to wait because it either interferes with medication rounds, other patients calling and/or fulfilling doctor's orders.

I'm not a perfect nurse. In fact, I'm far from perfect. More often than not, I struggle through busy shifts with little or no breaks. If that doesn't sound convincing enough, I've pretty much lost count of the amount of family gatherings I had to miss because of my conflicting working schedules.

Words truly cannot describe how much nurses have dedicated a huge portion of their everyday lives to their jobs.

I think it is safe to say, that without a doubt, this profession has finally taken a toll on me.

If there was something that the people closest to me and I could agree on, is that I've been unhappy lately. And it was the kind of unhappiness you know that wouldn't be temporary if you don't do something about it.

It's exhausting - having to work a 9-12 hour shift and putting others before yourself - and then leaving work with no compassion left to give.

It's a tad frustrating on how they try to glamorize this profession. No doubt that the ability to touch someone else's life is an amazing thing, but know this, not everyone appreciates what we do.

Everyday, I come home exhausted and all in all, I don't feel content.

Of course, out of the many difficult patients I have, there'll be a couple nice ones - and those are the people who will always make it worthwhile. BUT, for how long more?

I still believe that nursing is an honorable profession. But at the end of the day, it came with an expense - sacrificing more time with the ones I love, my happiness and possibly, my sanity - and that, to me at least, is not worth it.

Perhaps I'm not as passionate as I once was and therefore, not the same person I was before. Perhaps I'm sensitive. Perhaps I don't know how to handle difficult situations.

Perhaps, it's     just     me

Monday, 23 October 2017

Being 23 and Completely Lost

When I was 13, I remembered making a mental five-year-plan in my head. It was rather simple back then - pass O Levels and move on to poly.

At 18 when my polytechnic life started, I couldn't wait to zoom into the future. Again, I planned, and somehow predicted how my life would be like within the next few years. Of course, I didn't look forward to growing up (and growing older) especially with the responsibilities that came with it. But unfortunately, turning back time wasn't an option - so I made the best out of it.

Again, it was simpler. Get through three years of polytechnic, get my diploma at the end of it and move on to working life.

Today, I'm 23.

If you'd ask me ten years ago, I'd be sure to tell you that I'll see myself as a nurse today because that was what I wanted to be. I had a fiery passion towards helping sick people and a fairly strong desire to see people get better and healthier. It was a career that gave me the chance to witness life-changing moments, both good and bad. It gave me a special kind of satisfaction that no other profession can give and for a while, I was content with where I was in life.

But here's the thing, I'm not 13 anymore. I'm 23.

I've honestly never thought that I'd find myself at another crossroad, and if I may add, the paths weren't as exciting as how it used to be. In fact, it's the total opposite. It was the fear of change and fear of failure that got me drowning in dilemma for so long.

It irritates me that I don't have anything going on and that once again, I'm left on a cliffhanger. My mind that's used to the idea of a more clearer future now only revolves around one question - what now?

And then it struck me, that being lost may not necessarily be a bad thing.

As much as it pains me to know that my life may be leading towards many different (and very confusing) directions at once, I guess I owe it to myself to see this as an opportunity to discover myself.

I'd like to think that being lost means walking into a whole new world of possibilities. To be 23 and still have a lot of years ahead of me is indeed a privilege to be thankful for and that it's okay if I'm not acing in my career yet.

Today, at 23, it's hard to be grateful - especially so when disappointments just keeps on piling up. In fact, every time someone wishes me happy birthday, I'd find myself trying to swallow back my tears because it seems as though there's not much to be happy about.

And then there it was, the quote that sits on my desk which says, "Sometimes on the way to the dream, you get lost and find a better one."

Indeed, no one gets anywhere by staying stagnant.

I'd like to end this post hoping that in a few years, I'd be given more opportunities to advance myself or divert my career path towards the culinary arts or maybe, just maybe, become someone's wife. But if there's anything that I've learned from this experience is that it's okay if I don't have the answers now.

But if there's anything certain, whether I'm 33 or 73, is that I'll be thankful for this phase. And right now, after I'm done gaining back the energy that I've wasted from moping nearly the entire day, I'm just going to enjoy being 23 and lost.

Because after all, you need to be lost, in order to be found.

Wednesday, 13 September 2017

Walking on Sunshine

I used to think that living in Singapore means that I'll always be able to survive warm weather conditions in countries which are supposedly said to be cooler. Oh boy was I wrong.

I've visited Australia three times now and all during the late summer-early autumn period. It can get very unpredictable and despite the cold winds, believe it or not, the sun seems a gazillion times hotter there. I believe there's a scientific (or possibly geographical) explanation for this but I'll leave that to the experts.

Whichever the case, sunscreen became my best friend. I remembered having to keep on slathering sunscreen on my arms and face every few hours because I could literally feel the heat going through my skin.

I don't know about you guys, but I heavily rely on social influencers/beauty gurus before getting a product - sometimes without realizing that there's a possibility they may be paid to only point out the good things.

I never usually thought of what makes a good sunscreen, and little did I know that there are various components that contributes to one.

I've recently been introduced to, where they did a study and tested out 135 sunscreens to see which is the best.

There are surprisingly many, many kinds. I thought they'd only come in lotion or sprays but apparently, there's a powder form too!

Their content contains the pretty basic components of a typical study. For example, the exemption criteria, a large population group (in this case, a variety of sunscreens) and the experiment itself. It was pretty informative and trust me, if I could understand it, so could you!

After reading the whole article, I figured that this was my biggest take home message:


Even if you aren't looking for a sunscreen, you'd come to realize that you're actually learning lots of useful stuff!

Now when you're in dilemma, you no longer have to ponder over multiple youtube videos and blog posts because now you can just visit the website which will tell it all!

Have a good week ahead lovelies! Xx
(Direct link to article, here.)