Hi hi hi everyone!
I am actually gathering up lots of courage to blog about this so here goes.
As most of you may have already know, I am more on the plus side. I mean yeah I tell people that I have heavy bones but seriously to be honest, the reason why I have been getting more insecure (especially now that I'm in poly) is because I finally realized that I wasn't that big (or fat) before.
Believe it or not, this was me four years ago.
So I don't know if it was because I was leaning back or what but I definitely don't think that I was fat as I thought I was back then. The only reason I thought so was because my secondary school friends were always always always smaller than me. I mean look at naz. And Liana and Khai and pretty much everyone. I even had some douchebag classmates who called me fat and that my thighs were twice the size of most other girls in the school. I can't remember the dude who said that but he had durian hair kkk omg speaking of imperfections some people should look at the mirror before criticizing others k tsk.
Anyways, somehow rather I began eating a lot over the years and I kinda stopped looking at old photos and didn't realize how much I've changed physically. My relatives often mention about my weight gain but I don't usually listen to them.
Okay wanna see an even bigger transformation?
Okay so I can't exactly remember when was this but I believe it was during my early secondary school years. I know right :(
Moving on, I pretty much grew even more over the years. K I said that already.
See what I mean :( :( :( :(
And this is me just some months back.
Yeap, self esteem level at it's lowest le sigh :( Some people said that I actually edit my photos to make my self look thinner. The answer is no. I actually wish I knew how to haha! I just got very good with angles and most of my photos are above the waist.
Above it all, it sucks big time having my kind of body. Not many stalls at flea markets cater to my size so that's why I often shop at Cotton On, Forever 21, Uniqlo and sometimes H&M. I always envy my friends who could buy free size clothings and not worry if it would fit. There was even a point in time when I stopped trying on clothes I see in certain boutiques because I know it wouldn't look nice on me even if it fits so why bother anyway. My mind was set at thinking that only thin people look good at everything and people well, like me, should just stick with t shirt and jeans. And then along came my poly life and I decided that some days I should dress up and I loved those days because it was finally the day I wouldn't have to be so insecure. I mean, not that I wanted to capture any attention but idk I just feel pretty good about myself.
Anyways, I am now proud to say that I have been losing some weight lately *applause* I am gonna mention my weight now so don't judge me k. In June this year, I weighed 87kg. Yes, that much. People keep on saying that I look like a 60 and I was like omg I wish! And now, I weigh 81kg! 6 kilos within 3 months. To be honest, my diet was an on and off thing. I always have yogurt and fruit or cereal and if I get hungry I'll just eat more fruits. I practically spend almost $100 buying milk and bread and cereal and my favourite fruit like strawberries and apples and I'm actually getting fond of kiwis now ^^ I don't exercise because of my ankle injury the other day (yeah still hurts till now). I mean, it doesn't hurt when I'm resting but I just can't do sports which is sort of a waste because I was actually contemplating on playing volleyball :(
So yeah, I don't usually exercise. I tried blogilates once and I failed miserably because the moves were damn tough lah tsk :(
And okay, I am gonna tell you a little secret now. Ready?
I used to be bulimic.
Not to the extent that whenever I see my reflection I picture someone 10x larger than me. It was just that I wanted to be thin very very badly. This happened while I was still a secondary school student. I never vomited at school before of course and this lasted for merely a month and it wasn't an everyday thing. Besides, the reason I stopped was because it wasn't a very good and healthy thing to do. And then I realize I love to eat and was like urrrr fuck what everyone says.
Not everyone knows this. I think I only told two people.
So uhuh yeap that's about it. I don't know if I should feel good about this post but I'm actually kinda glad that I managed to blog about this. There's still like 70% of insecurity left in me, I'm not gonna lie, but I am actually slowly learning to love my body. Like recently I decided to try a pair of high waist shorts from Cotton On just to see if it fits and it did! Like it finally did. And I'm slowly changing my clothing size from and XL to an L. Okay I'm actually fine with L or even M but I actually like my shirts loose. Seriously tho, nothing feels better than being able to fit into clothing that used to never fit you before.
Okay yeah and the transformation isn't much yet and I'm not gonna suddenly get all ambitious and stuff but I really hope I'll continue losing weight k omg I need a new pair of tights!
Oh and just a quick tip, they say that everything works when you have a flat belly hehe so you might wanna work on some crunches if you're a lazy ass like me!
Goodnight!
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