Saturday, 1 February 2014

Midnight Thoughts

I couldn't find an appropriate selfie for this post and it's pretty late to be taking my camera out so I'll just carry on then. 

It would be a lie if I said that I wasn't one of those teens whose mind goes wild and full of ideas in the middle of the night. I think about my future mainly. But who doesn't? I look at my sister's life and I can't explain how envious I am of her to have the freedom of choosing her course of study. Going to poly open houses and talking to lecturers from various schools, it feels like everyone wants you. I miss that. I miss having so many different choices to choose from and I miss having the idea that the future still holds so much room and time to grow and change for the better. 

Looking back, I can't help but think that I know I could do better. My O Level grades were not fantastic, but it was enough to enroll into some other prestigious courses. 

Nursing has been well. When my relatives knew that I was going to study nursing, it didn't seemed much of a surprise to them because they thought I had that in me. That = the passion to help people and save lives. Yes, it all sounds very fancy and I do not doubt that nursing is one of the most honorable careers to pursue. 

Perhaps it's just the pressure I got from my peers. A typical convo between me and a friend a couple years back after our results were released would be asking how well we did and what course we intend to pick as our first choice. Their response would be like, "wow, you must really be passionate about nursing." It's like indirectly telling me, "nursing? seriously? out of all courses?". I won't deny it, I was passionate about nursing at that time. I get goosebumps when I watch all those adverts about nurses and the fact that there are almost a gazillion of sponsorships to choose from. Here's how my love for nursing started out in the first place. 

When I was 14, I was in the car with my dad when we passed by NP. I was first intrigued by the courses in the school of film and media studies. I guess everyone wanted to be a part of showbiz at one point of time right? When I told my dad, he was like "Why would you want to be in film? There's only one TV station in Singapore. Why don't you choose nursing? There's sick people everywhere and sometimes they can post you overseas." The obvious sentence which directed my mind of film was obviously the last sentence. 

My mind was set on nursing ever since. I liked the idea of touching lives and being there for people. I went to my first open house in sec three and nursing still remained my optimum choice. It just sounded pretty cool to be able to decide on what course you were gonna take as early as when you're in sec two. 

Anyways, having an extra year in secondary school apart from majority of the student population means more time to keep my options wide open, correct? Unfortunately that's not how it works in my family. 

When I was in my final year in secondary school, I attended several talks from the various tertiary institutes and I started looking around at the variety of courses they offer. I even thought of going to MI but then I realize that I'm not the studious type. My passion for nursing starts to decline every time I discover a new course which intrigues me. I was even into engineering at one moment which was so unlike me. 

I remembered constantly going home to my parents and talking to them about the other courses I had in mind but there was always a downturn to it. Like this one time I told my dad about maritime engineering and if I remembered correctly, SP offered it. I told him it wasn't a bad course to enroll in and his response was, "You wouldn't be able to wear make up because you'll be working in a hot environment." I literally burst at him and we didn't spoke to each other for a week. 

My parents are practical like that. My mum would tell me to not make it so obvious that she and dad actually taught me into doing nursing but really, it's the truth. I actually wonder, if my dad and I didn't have that convo in the car a few years back, I doubt that nursing would even be one of my favourite choices. 

My parents (and a few of my relatives) think that just because I was in Red Cross ever since I was in primary school, they thought that nursing is my calling. I was attracted to the idea of being there for ill people and being in a retrench-free job but I can't help but wish that my parents would be more supportive of me because after all, things can change. With that, let me list down the courses I choose in 2012. And by the way, I scored 17 points (inclusive CCA grade deduction). 

  1. Health Sciences (Nursing) - Ngee Ann 
  2. Nursing - Nanyang
  3. Medicinal Chemistry - Nanyang 
  4. Pharmaceutical Sciences - Temasek 
  5. Biomedical Sciences - Ngee Ann 
  6. Law & Management - Temasek
  7. Dental Hygiene & Therapy - Nanyang 
  8. Mass Communication - Ngee Ann
  9. Child Psychology & Early Education - Ngee Ann
  10. Early Childhood Education - Ngee Ann
  11. Human Resource Management with Psychology - Ngee Ann
  12. Aerospace Engineering - Republic

Don't get me wrong, I love nursing. I actually loved it even more when I first started but it's pretty normal to lose passion in a job. I grew up thinking that you don't have to love your job. You just need some security so you won't have to suffer in the future. Doing well and being happy in what you're doing is a perfect combo which not many students in my field have. I just wondered what ever happened to chasing dreams and taking risks? No one ever does that anymore. I've been brought up to follow the safest path which has it's benefits, but it doesn't bring me as much happiness as I hoped. 

My parents would sometimes ask me if I ever regretted choosing nursing and in my mind I'll be like, now then you ask me? I'm much better at describing about my thoughts on it now, I just wished I was braver to tell them back then.

On the other hand, I would imagine my life being vastly different if I was not in nursing. I wouldn't have met so many wonderful people. Somewhere along the way, I'll come across patients who would touch my life more than I would touch theirs which is beyond heart warming. 

I definitely do not see myself as a nurse in the long run because it's so obvious that I still have a lot a lot of deciding to do. I am certainly not switching courses, even if I'm not bonded because I believe that we should all finish what we started. It would definietly save me some time if I started out doing something I love and I know I'll be doing but now that I'm already here, might as well make the best out of it. 

With that, I wish everyone who's waiting for their course results release this weds good luck and happy chinese new year to my chinese readers (if any, heh). 

Goodnight all! xx

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