I couldn't find an appropriate selfie for this post and it's pretty late to be taking my camera out so I'll just carry on then. 

It would be a lie if I said that I wasn't one of those teens whose mind goes wild and full of ideas in the middle of the night. I think about my future mainly. But who doesn't? I look at my sister's life and I can't explain how envious I am of her to have the freedom of choosing her course of study. Going to poly open houses and talking to lecturers from various schools, it feels like everyone wants you. I miss that. I miss having so many different choices to choose from and I miss having the idea that the future still holds so much room and time to grow and change for the better. 

Looking back, I can't help but think that I know I could do better. My O Level grades were not fantastic, but it was enough to enroll into some other prestigious courses. 

Nursing has been well. When my relatives knew that I was going to study nursing, it didn't seemed much of a surprise to them because they thought I had that in me. That = the passion to help people and save lives. Yes, it all sounds very fancy and I do not doubt that nursing is one of the most honorable careers to pursue. 

Perhaps it's just the pressure I got from my peers. A typical convo between me and a friend a couple years back after our results were released would be asking how well we did and what course we intend to pick as our first choice. Their response would be like, "wow, you must really be passionate about nursing." It's like indirectly telling me, "nursing? seriously? out of all courses?". I won't deny it, I was passionate about nursing at that time. I get goosebumps when I watch all those adverts about nurses and the fact that there are almost a gazillion of sponsorships to choose from. Here's how my love for nursing started out in the first place. 

When I was 14, I was in the car with my dad when we passed by NP. I was first intrigued by the courses in the school of film and media studies. I guess everyone wanted to be a part of showbiz at one point of time right? When I told my dad, he was like "Why would you want to be in film? There's only one TV station in Singapore. Why don't you choose nursing? There's sick people everywhere and sometimes they can post you overseas." The obvious sentence which directed my mind of film was obviously the last sentence. 

My mind was set on nursing ever since. I liked the idea of touching lives and being there for people. I went to my first open house in sec three and nursing still remained my optimum choice. It just sounded pretty cool to be able to decide on what course you were gonna take as early as when you're in sec two. 

Anyways, having an extra year in secondary school apart from majority of the student population means more time to keep my options wide open, correct? Unfortunately that's not how it works in my family. 

When I was in my final year in secondary school, I attended several talks from the various tertiary institutes and I started looking around at the variety of courses they offer. I even thought of going to MI but then I realize that I'm not the studious type. My passion for nursing starts to decline every time I discover a new course which intrigues me. I was even into engineering at one moment which was so unlike me. 

I remembered constantly going home to my parents and talking to them about the other courses I had in mind but there was always a downturn to it. Like this one time I told my dad about maritime engineering and if I remembered correctly, SP offered it. I told him it wasn't a bad course to enroll in and his response was, "You wouldn't be able to wear make up because you'll be working in a hot environment." I literally burst at him and we didn't spoke to each other for a week. 

My parents are practical like that. My mum would tell me to not make it so obvious that she and dad actually taught me into doing nursing but really, it's the truth. I actually wonder, if my dad and I didn't have that convo in the car a few years back, I doubt that nursing would even be one of my favourite choices. 

My parents (and a few of my relatives) think that just because I was in Red Cross ever since I was in primary school, they thought that nursing is my calling. I was attracted to the idea of being there for ill people and being in a retrench-free job but I can't help but wish that my parents would be more supportive of me because after all, things can change. With that, let me list down the courses I choose in 2012. And by the way, I scored 17 points (inclusive CCA grade deduction). 

1. Health Sciences (Nursing) - Ngee Ann 
2. Nursing - Nanyang
3. Medicinal Chemistry - Nanyang 
4. Pharmaceutical Sciences - Temasek 
5. Biomedical Sciences - Ngee Ann 
6. Law & Management - Temasek
7. Dental Hygiene & Therapy - Nanyang 
8. Mass Communication - Ngee Ann
9. Child Psychology & Early Education - Ngee Ann
10. Early Childhood Education - Ngee Ann
11. Human Resource Management with Psychology - Ngee Ann
12. Aerospace Engineering - Republic

Don't get me wrong, I love nursing. I actually loved it even more when I first started but it's pretty normal to lose passion in a job. I grew up thinking that you don't have to love your job. You just need some security so you won't have to suffer in the future. Doing well and being happy in what you're doing is a perfect combo which not many students in my field have. I just wondered what ever happened to chasing dreams and taking risks? No one ever does that anymore. I've been brought up to follow the safest path which has it's benefits, but it doesn't bring me as much happiness as I hoped. 

My parents would sometimes ask me if I ever regretted choosing nursing and in my mind I'll be like, now then you ask me? I'm much better at describing about my thoughts on it now, I just wished I was braver to tell them back then.

On the other hand, I would imagine my life being vastly different if I was not in nursing. I wouldn't have met so many wonderful people. Somewhere along the way, I'll come across patients who would touch my life more than I would touch theirs which is beyond heart warming. 

I definitely do not see myself as a nurse in the long run because it's so obvious that I still have a lot a lot of deciding to do. I am certainly not switching courses, even if I'm not bonded because I believe that we should all finish what we started. It would definietly save me some time if I started out doing something I love and I know I'll be doing but now that I'm already here, might as well make the best out of it. 

With that, I wish everyone who's waiting for their course results release this weds good luck and happy chinese new year to my chinese readers (if any, heh). 

Goodnight all! xx

Crap

You'll know that I don't usually blog in the middle of the week especially during the school term, but if I do, something really great or bad came up. And I hate to say that it's definitely not something good. 

People tell me that I have the tendency of giving in too much - that I'm too nice or that I forgive easily. I hate to admit this but they're true. What I meant when I say that I'm too nice (because based on my attitude, I really am not), I can't bear leaving people no matter how shitty they are. 

Reason being is that I know how it feels having people leave me. I'm aware of my flaws and it would mean a lot if people would be able to accept me for who I am while in return, I'll excuse their flaws also. Everyone has got a different personality and attitude and from what I learned is that we can't force people to change who they are, so might as well adapt to it. 

Very stupid statement, I know. Which brings me to my next point. 

People step on me a lot and it's prolly because of this bad habit I have of just going with the flow with other people's attitudes/personality. I mean yeah, sometimes it get's on my nerves and I would talk it out to other people but at the end of the day, it doesn't change them. I would be mad if it was someone I barely knew - like some loser I met online who treated me like a rebound and then leave. But I have to admit, it's really predictable and frankly, easy to get over. What I can't stand is when my own friends, eh no, close friends, practically my homies/brothers/sisters/wtv, treats me like garbage.

Obviously no one likes being treated like crap and what I hate most is when it involves the people I'm closest with. I guess sometimes the closer someone is to us, the lesser we expect them to be able to hurt us. It's disappointing and frustrating all at once and it's the kind of feeling where you just wanna scream and cry and ergh! 

I know what you're thinking, why don't just talk things out? 

The main reason is that I would tend to get heated up and it'll become a big fuss. But seriously though, it's really screwed up when a close friend does not acknowledge their mistakes. You begin to wonder if they're even a good friend to begin with, moreover whether they're worth fighting for. 

The sad thing is that I really thought that I was finally done with friends-related shenanigans but I guess not. 

Pre Weekend Syndrome

You know that this post is gonna be a boring one when the first thing you see is a random selfie of myself, TEEHEE. 

This week had been a really hectic one! And yes, it's just the second week of school. Meh! I had three tests on three consecutive days and for some apparent reason, I fell sick somewhere in the middle of the week which made me more easily irritable. I hate being the kind of person who would expect people to not annoy me just because it's not my day but unfortunately, I became that person the other day. I really hope that no one was affected by it but if you were, I apologize :( 

Then there were the usual dramas along the way. Same old same old. 

On a brighter note, I received lots of goodies from Hannah & Haz as they went overseas just recently! HEHE, yeay! I honestly love getting souvenirs from my friends when they travel. It's just an extremely thoughtful gesture, like you're remembered although they're so far away, and speaking of which, I should soooooo start getting stuff for my friends when I go overseas too! *guilty* 

Right now, I seriously can't explain how relaxing and calming this feels - sipping a cup of milo with a couple of lighted candles to accompany me while updating my blog, on my laptop! Gosh it feels like it has been forever since I used Zach! 

(If you didn't know, I named my laptop Zach. Meh!) 

I apologize if this post was not to your expectations and I regret to inform you that it'll be quite some time until I would be able to blog about something bigger than just a summary of how my week went (and even so, I wasn't even specific enough). 

I shall end of this post here, for now :) 

A new feel

14 things to take note of

1. Eat healthy. Life is gonna suck without the sweet stuff, but it's gonna be worth it. 
2. Music is not your only friend. 
3. Do not say that nobody understands unless you've tried explaining it to them.
4. Bringing yourself closer to God is one thing, but being an ass to the rest of the world is another. 
5. Refrain from booking driving lessons which starts at 7.30. 
6. Try different flavours of ice blended during your next few visits to CBTL. 
7. Comb your hair every morning, or you're gonna regret it later. 
8. For your 20th birthday, do not expect much. 
9. Bad days are inevitable. But it's just a sign that better days are coming around. 
10. You've invested almost 1/4 of your allowance on cosmetics and facial products. Make full use of it. 
11. Be thankful.
12. Poetry contains so much beauty.
13. Work hard and win the race for yourself, not for anyone else. 
14. Drink plenty of water. 

Who/What Do I Wanna Be

Inspired by Awkward, Season 3 Episode 20.

I wanna be surrounded by girlfriends

I wanna be a role model to the generation after mine. 

I wanna be the girl who lives happily ever after.

I wanna be someone's true friend.

I wanna grow up with my cousins.

I wanna be someone's old friend, in another ten years and counting.

I wanna be that person who saves lives. 

I wanna be a good sister. 

I wanna be with someone silly.

I wanna be surrounded by love.

I wanna be part of something special.

I wanna make my parents proud. 

I want to be accepted, irregardless of my flaws and my mistakes. 

PS: Some things I already am, others I've yet to be. 

Wanderlust

I have to be honest here.

I miss pointless blogging and random photo editing. Here goes nothing. 

It's December now and I'm like at the state where I can't remember most things that happened this year. I am so afraid with what's about to come. For all I know, I might wake up one morning and realize that I am already a staff nurse. These attachments I've been having ever since year one had given me a glimpse of what life is like in the working world - that sometimes your co-workers may stab you in the back and that the scoldings from your lecturers is nothing as compared to bosses. 

Back to the point. People often tell me that I'm still young and there's always time to make mistakes and learn from there (in other words, YOLO) but I just can't believe how quickly one year has gone by. 

I'll be reaching my twenties soon and I'm feeling kind of sad about it. They tell me to accomplish as much as I can while I'm still in my teens. Accomplishments like travel with friends, have sleepovers, snuggle up in bed with someone special. I know these are stupid accomplishments through an adult's point of view. Maybe when it comes to living my life, I can get pretty delusional and unrealistic. 

Anyways, yeah it's December and prolly winter in the western hemisphere. I don't know if I love winter, considering that I have already experienced it while I was in China but I definitely missed the ambiance. How the people dressed up and the leafless trees and having cold wind blowing against your cheeks and not forgetting wrapping our arms around each other to feel warm even when we're out in public. 

Apart from the fact that this month is a reminder that I'm growing up too fast, I kinda love it. It gives me the feel to wanna travel around the world because it's a holiday almost everywhere. 

I'd love to travel more than anything and I believe no one can ever understand even when I explain why. My parents would rarely ever take my future plans to travel around the world seriously and I honestly can't wait for the day when I would make my own plans to go overseas. 

 If I was given a chance to actually live in another country (of my liking of course), I would probably accept the offer. 

I feel like just to be able to go to another country and for once, located at a different continent, would be the best thing that has happened to me. 

I have friends whose biggest achievements are seeing 1/7 wonders of the world or experiencing all four seasons etc. If anyone were to ask me what's my biggest achievement so far would be getting into poly *yawns* Not that I'm not proud of it. I just wished that I could do more. 

The reason why I feel like I should do this travelling thing now is because I would be so so soooo busy with school/future work related stuff. I'll be spending roughly a whole semester out on clinical attachment in senior year and after which I'll be graduating. And for the next three years after that I would work my ass off and by the end of that, I'd already be 24 but really, who stops working at 24 right? I'm still unfamiliar with the kind of schedule nurses have but I rarely ever heard of a nurse having off days enough for them to travel. 

Come to think of it, I don't know if I'll ever get to travel to somewhere exotic but if I don't, I'll pretty much feel incomplete for a long time. 

Life As It Is

I realize that I hardly ever blog about what goes on in my mind. I guess it's rather typical of me to be thinking of things which has like -1 chance of happening. 

It's just something I'm not good at - blogging about my feelings. Sometimes when you read about how my day went, it doesn't really reflect on my whole personality. There's definitely more to me than what I post. Frankly speaking, I'm pretty deep. I like talking about feelings and I could find a gazillion people out there who would understand my situation (or act like they would) but it's just hard to find someone who'll take me seriously. 

Nonetheless, I'm not complaining. I'm thankful for those who spends hours listening to whatever that's on my mind. So yeah, I guess I'm better at expressing my emotions in person rather than blogging about them. I could tell the world what I did during the day and all of my favourite products etc but I can never seem to be able to blog about my feelings. 

And actually, I already have a private blog for that. 

So here goes, a personal one. So bear with me. 

I am not fine. I am terrified. Don't ask me why I just am. Even my hands are shivering while I type these words. 

And I can't even go on explaining why I'm feeling this way. 

Anyways, I won't be blogging or tweeting as of now. Yes, no blogger and no twitter. Maybe for a few days or a few weeks. This isn't one of those bullshit things where I would completely isolate myself from the world and not reply any texts etc. I know it's really lame and all but... yes, hard to explain. I think I'm just wounded. Not badly but still. And having to tweet and blog about all things positive about me just to mask my true feelings is exhausting. I know that it's my social profile and I can say whatever I want to say it but if I were to do that, my timeline would be full of overly emotional tweets. 

I think I wanna start reading again. And maybe brush up on my guitaring skills. I actually stopped playing a long time ago but a part of me has that urge to want to play again. But maybe, just maybe I'll do that. 

Till next time my lovely readers. 

Goodnight xx

Raw

Yes, I am still awake at this hour. 

No one's probably reading this but here goes.

I can't imagine spending my night better than catching up on my favourite TV series, Awkward. I have never really been into mature shows. I was rather more keen in Disney sitcoms and even the current ones which are lamer than the ones they had in the past. Awkward just seemed like a show I could relate to. Not that I ever get accused of attempting suicide neither have I lost my virginity. The show was mainly about the lead going through the normal phases of life in her teenage years (excluding the hollywood drama). 

Most importantly at the end of most episodes, there's always a conclusion and some realization from the mistakes or situation she had to face. And at the end of everyday, her heart and head did not contradict the choice she made. Whatever she choose was just right, maybe until the next episode when something else comes up but you know what I mean. 

I was having a convo with Liyana one day and she asked me if I would usually follow my head or heart. My answer was that I would most likely follow to my head. 

Didn't thought you'd hear this from a teenager right?

In the last episode I watched, one of the characters mentioned that we're all still young and if there's a time to make mistakes, it's now. The thing about me is that I have always been afraid of mistakes. 

I remembered a time when I wasn't. Back when there was nothing to worry about. They told me to treasure the moments and the hearbreaks because one day, we're gonna miss the time when we were young. I think heartbreaks are one of the major things that we will always remember when we get older. That's the only time when we realize that there's nothing to regret. I just don't understand why I am regretting things now. 

I have learned that following your head always means that you're doing the right thing. It just sucks that sometimes doing the right thing doesn't make us happy. I learned that it may lead us to happiness one day but at the moment, you may not be necessarily happy yet. 

On the other hand, following our heart guarantees us instant happiness. But the sad thing is that sometimes (or most times), that happiness won't be permanent. 

Adults are usually best at making decisions probably because they already know what's best for them and most of the time, are able to satisfy their choices by picking the one which follows the head and the heart. I have always been thinking with my head and doing the right thing because I feel like I can't afford to make any wrong decisions in my life. Any wrong turn would probably mean that it's gonna be hard to get back on the right track. 

The thing is, I am just so tired of following my head all the time. Doing the right thing and just hoping and waiting for the day I would finally be happy is exhausting. I do not want to experience failures or heartbreaks but let's face it, it's inevitable no matter which we choose to follow. 

I love the beauty of following the heart. Desiring for something or someone and feeling the adrenaline rush in my body when I finally got it. I miss that. And I feel like I am running out of time to make decisions based on what my heart wants. 

I don't want to look back forty years down the road thinking that I haven't done much with my life. Following my heart now would suck most of the time because sooner or later, that happiness would be gone and I would go back to being an emotional screw up. I just know that I am able to get over whatever I got myself into and I will take all the time I need (because a broken heart doesn't heal overnight but I will get into that next time).  

I just wanna let some people know that it's not about the regrets because we will all be able to move on, learn something from it and hopefully, live past that. There is certainly no harm in living the moment and being happy right now and no one must ever have to do something safe and right all the time and wait for happiness later. Because what if later never comes?