Tuesday, 29 August 2017

Bittersweet

Remember when I said that I've built these high, thick walls to prevent myself from ever getting hurt again? I've realized that no matter how hard I try and whoever I meet, it will take one heck of a wrecking ball to break down those walls. (Don't cue song, I dare you.)

Aziz and I met around the period I was diagnosed with appendicitis. Of course, I would remember my hospital experience more vividly but if there was anything worth remembering, was that even as a stranger, he was there to alleviate my anxiety.

Days turned to weeks and we found ourselves developing a sense of intimacy towards each other. From what I recalled, it was mutual. I enjoyed the deep conversations we had about our past and I was surprised how open we were.

Within a span of weeks, our dates became more frequent and eventually, our conversations started circling around one question: What are we?

The timing wasn't great. He was juggling between family, school and work and I had my own commitments too. To add on to that, we both had personal goals and we were contemplating if whether or not it would be the right time to make it official.

As soon as I felt like I was falling into a bottomless pit, I decided to suppress the side of me that was overly attached, overly emotional and overly sensitive. I braced myself for the worst but even so, I was still holding on to that small glimpse of hope that he'd be willing to give me a chance.

Needless to say, we were both confused - although if I may add, I was a bit more open minded than he was.

I found myself on a cliffhanger, yet again. I was waiting for an answer to a hypothetical question that I didn't ask. It took me a while to realize that I no longer wanted to be an option - I wanted to be a choice.

When I mustered the courage to finally call him to tell him that I was taking a step back, it was then when he told me that he had made a decision. I expressed my frustration because in the midst of his dilemma, he was subconsciously leaving me hanging - and I didn't liked it.

I'd spare you the exact content of the conversation but he explained how he had already made up his mind about us but wanted to wait for our next date to confess.

I felt even more confused than I already was. Strangely, the questions that pondered my mind revolved around my insecurities. Eventually I realized that I liked this guy enough to put those aside, and we got together on a Sunday after he handed me roses, a well-written note and asked me to be his girlfriend.

I've gotten a lot of comments from friends about the fact that we were still in our honeymoon period and to a certain degree, they are quite right. But one thing that many people don't know is that things hasn't always been easy. Of course, it's only human for us to showcase the side of us that are happier but still, a lot goes on behind the scenes.

Nonetheless, I grew to love him for his resilience, his way with words and that no matter how exceedingly intense his schedule is, he will always make time for me.

Of course, on my part, I'm still a bit traumatized from my past (though I wouldn't admit it). I've spent a year or so not only building those walls, but also building up the courage to fight through my anxiety and finally being comfortable with the fact that it's okay to be alone. It took me a lot of  tears and sleepless nights to come to that.

That being said, I'm finally thankful for the past - the betrayals, heartbreaks and the many wrong decisions because if I were to have done one of those differently, I'd never would have been in this present state.

At nearly four months, I've come to realize that it's okay to be vulnerable. We both have our own set of fears and insecurities but what's amazing when two people love each other is agreeing to the fact that this is a once in a lifetime love. I still stand by what I said in my previous post - that my heart is strong and even if I lose at the end of the day, I know that I'd be okay.

For now, I'm gonna cherish every moment. Every study date, every late night skype call and every deep conversation we'll have. And if there ever comes a time when both of us are at a crossroads, I can only hope that we'll both love each other enough to take a leap of faith.

Xx

(On a side note, now that I've lowered your expectations on an attempt of writing a good how-we-met blogpost, you may now proceed to my boyfriends' page here.)

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