When I was 13, I remembered making a mental five-year-plan in my head. It was rather simple back then - pass O Levels and move on to poly.
At 18 when my polytechnic life started, I couldn't wait to zoom into the future. Again, I planned, and somehow predicted how my life would be like within the next few years. Of course, I didn't look forward to growing up (and growing older) especially with the responsibilities that came with it. But unfortunately, turning back time wasn't an option - so I made the best out of it.
Again, it was simpler. Get through three years of polytechnic, get my diploma at the end of it and move on to working life.
Today, I'm 23.
If you'd ask me ten years ago, I'd be sure to tell you that I'll see myself as a nurse today because that was what I wanted to be. I had a fiery passion towards helping sick people and a fairly strong desire to see people get better and healthier. It was a career that gave me the chance to witness life-changing moments, both good and bad. It gave me a special kind of satisfaction that no other profession can give and for a while, I was content with where I was in life.
But here's the thing, I'm not 13 anymore. I'm 23.
I've honestly never thought that I'd find myself at another crossroad, and if I may add, the paths weren't as exciting as how it used to be. In fact, it's the total opposite. It was the fear of change and fear of failure that got me drowning in dilemma for so long.
It irritates me that I don't have anything going on and that once again, I'm left on a cliffhanger. My mind that's used to the idea of a more clearer future now only revolves around one question - what now?
And then it struck me, that being lost may not necessarily be a bad thing.
As much as it pains me to know that my life may be leading towards many different (and very confusing) directions at once, I guess I owe it to myself to see this as an opportunity to discover myself.
I'd like to think that being lost means walking into a whole new world of possibilities. To be 23 and still have a lot of years ahead of me is indeed a privilege to be thankful for and that it's okay if I'm not acing in my career yet.
Today, at 23, it's hard to be grateful - especially so when disappointments just keeps on piling up. In fact, every time someone wishes me happy birthday, I'd find myself trying to swallow back my tears because it seems as though there's not much to be happy about.
And then there it was, the quote that sits on my desk which says, "Sometimes on the way to the dream, you get lost and find a better one."
Indeed, no one gets anywhere by staying stagnant.
I'd like to end this post hoping that in a few years, I'd be given more opportunities to advance myself or divert my career path towards the culinary arts or maybe, just maybe, become someone's wife. But if there's anything that I've learned from this experience is that it's okay if I don't have the answers now.
But if there's anything certain, whether I'm 33 or 73, is that I'll be thankful for this phase. And right now, after I'm done gaining back the energy that I've wasted from moping nearly the entire day, I'm just going to enjoy being 23 and lost.
Because after all, you need to be lost, in order to be found.
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