Thursday, 14 November 2013

Raw


Yes, I am still awake at this hour. 
No one's probably reading this but here goes.

I can't imagine spending my night better than catching up on my favourite TV series, Awkward. I have never really been into mature shows. I was rather more keen in Disney sitcoms and even the current ones which are lamer than the ones they had in the past. Awkward just seemed like a show I could relate to. Not that I ever get accused of attempting suicide neither have I lost my virginity. The show was mainly about the lead going through the normal phases of life in her teenage years (excluding the hollywood drama). 

Most importantly at the end of most episodes, there's always a conclusion and some realization from the mistakes or situation she had to face. And at the end of everyday, her heart and head did not contradict the choice she made. Whatever she choose was just right, maybe until the next episode when something else comes up but you know what I mean. 

I was having a convo with Liyana one day and she asked me if I would usually follow my head or heart. My answer was that I would most likely follow to my head. 

Didn't thought you'd hear this from a teenager right?

In the last episode I watched, one of the characters mentioned that we're all still young and if there's a time to make mistakes, it's now. The thing about me is that I have always been afraid of mistakes. 

I remembered a time when I wasn't. Back when there was nothing to worry about. They told me to treasure the moments and the hearbreaks because one day, we're gonna miss the time when we were young. I think heartbreaks are one of the major things that we will always remember when we get older. That's the only time when we realize that there's nothing to regret. I just don't understand why I am regretting things now. 

I have learned that following your head always means that you're doing the right thing. It just sucks that sometimes doing the right thing doesn't make us happy. I learned that it may lead us to happiness one day but at the moment, you may not be necessarily happy yet. 

On the other hand, following our heart guarantees us instant happiness. But the sad thing is that sometimes (or most times), that happiness won't be permanent. 

Adults are usually best at making decisions probably because they already know what's best for them and most of the time, are able to satisfy their choices by picking the one which follows the head and the heart. I have always been thinking with my head and doing the right thing because I feel like I can't afford to make any wrong decisions in my life. Any wrong turn would probably mean that it's gonna be hard to get back on the right track. 

The thing is, I am just so tired of following my head all the time. Doing the right thing and just hoping and waiting for the day I would finally be happy is exhausting. I do not want to experience failures or heartbreaks but let's face it, it's inevitable no matter which we choose to follow. 

I love the beauty of following the heart. Desiring for something or someone and feeling the adrenaline rush in my body when I finally got it. I miss that. And I feel like I am running out of time to make decisions based on what my heart wants. 

I don't want to look back forty years down the road thinking that I haven't done much with my life. Following my heart now would suck most of the time because sooner or later, that happiness would be gone and I would go back to being an emotional screw up. I just know that I am able to get over whatever I got myself into and I will take all the time I need (because a broken heart doesn't heal overnight but I will get into that next time).  

I just wanna let some people know that it's not about the regrets because we will all be able to move on, learn something from it and hopefully, live past that. There is certainly no harm in living the moment and being happy right now and no one must ever have to do something safe and right all the time and wait for happiness later. Because what if later never comes? 

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