Do you remember when you were five, and you would pull a long face when your parents won't allow you to go outside and play?

Or when you were 13 and contemplated if you should confess your feelings to the boy you were head over heels for? 

How about when you were 16 or 17 and your only worry was doing well for your 'O' levels? 

Do you remember the things that used to keep you up all night? How it felt like a big deal back then but now just seems so trivial? 

I'm certain that in many years to come, I'll look back at when I was 25 and I couldn't sleep because I was the new girl at work who missed familiarity and who would basically worry that I will end up disappointing every single person. 

I know that I'll be ok. Because right now, I understand that when I was 5, my parents wouldn't allow me to play outside because I had to wake up early for school the next day. 

That I didn't end up confessing my feelings to the boy I had a crush on but it's okay because we are now both in our own happy relationships. 

And while my results were not excellent for O levels, it doesn't really matter because everything that happened, good or bad, has led me here. 

So tonight, and perhaps for the next few nights, I may still not be able to sleep easy. I would probably invest in more essential oils or sleepy teas that would help me with my anxiety but tomorrow? Tomorrow I'll wake up stronger and wiser - maybe not so much by a long shot, but that's still ok.

Ok? Ok.

2018 Round Up

Here we are, at the end of another year. I've had my reservations about wanting to talk about my year in summary because we all know that the big C pretty much defined it.

While having cancer came with it's own set of fucked up consequences, it also came to me as a blessing in disguise because it taught me to find happiness in this smallest situations.

Ever since initiating chemotherapy, I often found myself down in the dumps. I feel trapped and I couldn't recall a situation that has made me unhappier. The presence of social media made it worse as I saw my twenty-something year old peers live their lives to the fullest while all I had to do was wait miserably for my next chemo session. 

I was angry and I was jealous.

But just before I let it consume me, I finally found a reason to look forward to everyday. Granted, I wasn't suicidal, but I was becoming toxic.

And as weird as this might sound, I look forward to having fresh food everyday *shows double chin* Although the idea of 'tasty food' has become a foreign concept to me, I guess a foodie will always be a foodie. 

I also seek comfort in binge watching series on Netflix, baking and making plans once the side effects wears off. I know it's all simple and nothing like the middle class luxury of impromptu shopping sprees at Sephora or having eyelash extensions but happiness is still happiness no matter how big or small. 

Apart from that, it made me realize the people who matter. Ever since I announced my diagnosis, I could count the number of people who's still here. Yes, the world doesn't revolve around me and everyone has their own problems. But it truly is the littlest gestures - like the ones who reply to every single igstory about my journey, even if it's just a heart shaped emoji.

While I was surprised with the amount of support I received from acquaintances, ex schoolmates, colleagues and even ex boyfriends, nothing shocked me more than the silence of some friends, or friends. Needless to say, I was disappointed. But given the fact that I already have a lot on my plate, I decided to just let it slide and to no longer put my hopes in these people. 

2018 was a long year for me. After resigning from my job, I thought that 2018 could potentially be a year of growth. But it became a year of healing and self-discovery. 

This year, was also the first time I went on my first solo trip to Tasmania. I wasn't alone throughout of course but going on a solo flight counts for something and let me just say that I had one of the worst in-flight experience ever. Nevertheless, it was a small matter. But I genuinely hope to not have to take Singapore Airlines ever again. 

Rewind to my time in Tasmania, it truly was an eye-opener. I remembered my trip vividly as though it was yesterday. I missed the serenity and the calmness and despite being to Australia for the millionth time, I always came back with a culture shock. The holiday came in the midst of work politics and oh boy, how much I needed that break. Oh what I would give to go back. 

Another major milestone was graduation. If you were to ask me when I was a poly student, I'd thought that having a Diploma (or an Advance Diploma) would be the end of my education journey. But here I am with a Bachelor's Degree. 

It definitely hasn't been easy having to juggle through work and school but I'm just thankful for having really good classmates. Also considering the fact that I pretty much self sponsored my university education, I was much more motivated to study harder and it definitely showed in my results. Well, I wasn't excellent, but it was still an accomplishment. 

Moving on to the topic of firsts, Aziz and I celebrated our first year anniversary this year. 

Things really took a turn for the worst ever since the diagnosis but if there's anything that cancer has proved is that our love could withstand anything. Not to toot on my own horn but I think I found myself a keeper because really, who else is willing to accompany me to every appointment during the holidays?

Lastly, I said goodbye to my first job as a full fledged nurse and while the past three years had taught me to be resilient and disciplined, a lot more has happened other than the lessons and it didn't take long for me to realize that it was finally time to move on. I've had my fair share of controversial opinions when it comes to healthcare in Singapore but at the end of the day, I don't think that there's another job that can ever give me the same satisfaction as a nurse.

Like I always say, the healthcare industry in Singapore is brutal - and if dealing with difficult patients and relatives aren't enough, the lack of transparency, and not to mention politics, makes it harder to survive in this line. Whatever medical drama you've watched can never measure up to the harsh reality of being a healthcare worker. And while I've seen many who has excelled in their field, there are still many others who have crumbled.

Nevertheless, this is definitely not the end of the line for me. I dare say that I was young, and probably still naive to be able to fully understand how the working world works and learn about the inevitable reality of workplace drama and politics. There's so much more the world of nursing has to offer and I cannot wait to explore it.

I guess the biggest lesson I've learned from 2018 was learning to let go of toxicity - not just from friendship but on the day I submitted my resignation letter. I remembered leaving my superior's office feeling like the whole weight lifted off my shoulders and the only time I looked back was to relive the glory of knowing that the future has so much to hold. 

And I guess that's how 2019 will start for me - with lots of adventures and uncertainty. Perhaps with much more love and gratitude too. Happy New Year, lovelies Xx  

Not Everyone Gets Happily Ever After

People have been telling me how raw my posts had been lately - which contradicts my very occasional writer's block before this. I guess words flow so much more easily when it comes from the heart. So here goes another series of word vomit. 

Three months, countless appointments and other than the sentence “you have cancer”, there’s a new string of words that haunts me more - "you can’t get pregnant."

You would think that a liberal millennial would rather be conquering the world through travel or career progression - but not me.

Before I wanted to become a nurse, a wife and heck, even before I wanted to become a baker, I wanted to be a mother more than anything. Even if knowing that motherhood comes with a whole ton of responsibilities and knowing how movies often create perfect characters that depict an inaccurate representation of perfect women juggling her career while taking care of her family, I still wanted it. I mean sure, the sleepless nights and defiant teenage phase could almost be the death of every mother but take away all the negatives, you'd come to realize that parenthood altogether is actually a rewarding experience. 

And I took it for granted that as a woman, I would always have that privilege.

Having to live through PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) throughout my adolescent years have made me grown accustomed to the fact that the diagnosis already lowered my fertility chances. Still, seeing that it's somewhat reversible, low chance was still better than no chance.

While the topic about family and kids had never been a priority in the beginning, it was something my oncologist finally wanted to branch out to.

She explained how chemo could affect the functions of my ovaries and eventually decrease my fertility rate. Of course, there are options like taking monthly injections to preserve the ovaries but then again, with a pre existing medical history like PCOS, I’ll be back to square one.

Putting science aside, and putting into the equation that cancer runs in my DNA and that Aziz has a family history of autism, do I really want to bring a human being in this world knowing that he/she may have a high risk of having those health conditions?

I've seen many couples beat those odds and end up with happy and healthy children. I can't put to words about how I feel towards this issue but I know what it's like to have cancer. It's daunting and painful and something I never hope another person should ever have to experience - especially not my kid. 

Choosing not to have kids by conceiving them just because he/she may be at high risk of having a fucked up disease like cancer may sound irrational, selfish even. I could choose to adopt and there's still no guarantee that the kid would be cancer free. But to me, the stakes were still too high - and I didn't want to risk it. 

Aziz had a whole other perspective and said that I should opt for those monthly injections to preserve my eggs because even if we fail, at least we know that I tried. 

It was a heavy topic for two twenty-something year olds to have to discuss way before marriage comes into the picture. But it's happening now and although we both have opposing views towards this situation, he supports me nonetheless. 

For the longest time ever since I was little, my idea of happily ever after was marrying a good man and to have a family with him. Although it was only child's play, I still thought of names, their possible talents and hope that they'd have Aziz's resilience and heck, even my stubbornness.  

But the thing about happily ever after is that it only exists in fairy tales. In real life? This is it. This is what I get. 

I start chemo tomorrow and it breaks my heart that when I start, there's no turning back - that this is possibly where my bloodline ends. And while I am well aware that adoption could be an option, it was still something I never thought I had to resort to.

But right now, I'm focused on my next nearest happily ever after - which is completing 16 cycles of chemotherapy.

If you've reached here, thank you for following me on my journey all this while. I'll be sure to keep this space posted for any progression in my treatment.

Till then - spread love, sugar plums.

Carpe Diem

I just wrote an entire post summarizing my past year. There's lots to say but as always, I can't seem to find the right words.

Instead, I'd like to talk about carpe diem.

While I may not be fluent in Latin, I get how the definition may differ to many but how it will always circle around the same meaning - seize the day.

Or better yet, to seize your day.

Whether you're an adrenaline junkie or a couch potato, the days in your life belongs to you and although some people may have their opinions on how you should live them, always remember that ultimately, it is your life.

There's a Malay saying that goes, bersusah-susah dahulu, bersenang-senang kemudian, which directly translates to, initial hardship leads to ease in the future (thank you google). At this day and age, it's so natural to make decisions based on how it will impact our future rather than to make impulse choices that would make us happy.

But the thing is, there's no way to see if you would even be able to live long enough to see the fruit of your hard earned labour.

So, take it from a girl who once thought she had many more years to live and many more chances to be reckless.

Carpe diem, my loves.

Cancer Diaries

I've been thinking of many ways to write this. I even contemplated if I should write about it at all. But I've come to realize that I started this blog as a platform where I can express myself - which is something I desperately need to do now seeing that the last few weeks had been a roller coaster.

A month ago, I discovered a lump in my left breast and to spare you the agony of how the investigative procedures went about, the results came out positive... for cancer.

I was diagnosed with stage one invasive ductal carcinoma on 21st August - ten days before my planned resignation and a day after my family got into a car accident.

Up until now, I can never find the words to explain what I feel. I've lost count of the number of times I've said, "I'm fine", when in reality, I just didn't know what to say. But here it is. Baby steps.

The people closest to me had been a wreck and it felt like shit knowing that I'm the cause of it. I realized that I had to put up a facade and having my family and closest friends see that I'm fine eventually made them not worry as much.

My last day of work didn't turn out like I expected. Of course, there was the usual bickering (also known as our daily entertainment) among my colleagues but at that point, everyone also thought that I had bigger plans for myself when in reality I had this huge weight on my shoulder that may disrupt my future. I couldn't bring myself to tell them so I kept it to my social circle, which I later realize was more than enough.

The doctors I've seen said that I took the news surprisingly well. Of course, I wasn't okay with having cancer. But being a nurse has exposed me to so much worse.

It wasn't always roses and daisies. A lot of times, I was tired of having to put on a mask every morning when I wake up, supporting others emotionally when it should be the other way around and people telling me how I should combat this sickness instead of dealing with acceptance.

There were days when anger went beyond anything else I've experienced and I hate that there's no solution to this.

And then there are those who've said, "Oh, it's only stage one. There's nothing to worry about."

If you happen to belong to this group of insensitive dimwits, let me just break it down for you:
Unless you actually have cancer, you will never know what it's like to be in my shoes. Even if you have a relative, a close friend or family member who has cancer, nothing you feel can ever measure up to all the emotions and stress that a cancer patient has.

Truth be told, I wasn't just carrying my own emotional baggage - it also felt like I was carrying everyone else's.

I've tried talking to a person or two about it and they could only assure me that I won't be going through this phase alone.

Thing is, I didn't want them to tell me that everything is going turn out fine or that they will be with me every step of the way. I just didn't want to have fucking cancer.

I probably have the stages of grief all mixed up but grief itself is so twisted.

I may have a long way to go before acceptance but right now, I'm angry, sad, hurt and in so many ways, still blessed because this experience has opened up a world where I finally realize the people who really matter.

There's a high chance that I'd spend the rest of my life with that constant fear that cancer may come back and take my life one day but until that day comes, I'm just going to live.

Ever since knowing my diagnosis, it felt as though I could relate to every movie character living with cancer. So, if I were to describe the biggest fear I have, it would be through this quote:

“It’s more that I’m afraid of time. And not having enough of it. Time to figure out who I’m supposed to be… to find my place in the world before I have to leave it. I’m afraid of what I’ll miss.”
― Ann Brashares, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

Of course, being in my twenties, I'm inclined to think that I have my whole life ahead of me - and provided that the surgery goes well, I know I will.

I've written so many versions of this post and while I've always thought that I've written more raw posts in the past, I don't think I could get anymore vulnerable than this.

Right now, I'm living by the love that radiates from people around me, reading self-help articles from survivors and most importantly, my future.

And if you're reading up till here, I'm glad you did because I feel a little bit lighter sharing this part of my life with you.

So this is it friends. My exposé. I'm Artika, I'm 23 and I have cancer.

With Love, From Tasmania

When people ask me why I chose to go Tasmania - out of the many states in Australia - or why I chose to visit this country for the fourth consecutive year, I only have three words why: my best friend.

I shall save you the agony of our back story but let's just say that we go way back - 14 years to be exact. And given our history, I'd circle the world to spend a few days with her. 

Australia, altogether, is an amazing country to seek refuge in if you're looking for a temporary escape from our hectic society. And as for Tasmania, it has exceeded my expectations.

I mean sure, the landscapes aren't like the ones I saw in New Zealand. But given that I've lived 23 years in a concrete jungle, I don't mind settling for low-rise buildings and cool weather for a while. 

It was my first solo flight and to be honest, I did not enjoy the solitude as much as I hoped. I managed to easily spot my luggage and find my way through the transit. And seeing Sabila after travelling for nearly ten hours made my heart glow. 

Throughout my years of living, I've never usually realized how close-minded and easily paranoid I am with certain people with strange personalities. I guess I'm easily quick to judge but I learned to be more accepting towards other people's culture especially when I'm in their country. Nonetheless, the moment I stepped foot into this country, I knew that I would love it. 

I stayed with Sabila and met a couple of her housemates - and she definitely wasn't lying when she said that she had the best housemates. I kid you not, they take care of each other like family. 

Moving on, our first few days were spent exploring the neighbourhood. 

As we were walking along the docks on the first day, I felt a sense of serenity that I haven't felt in a long time. Temperature was roughly 9 degrees that day but the sun was shining. The sound of waves crashing against the docks felt like music to my ears. The wind had been pretty unforgiving but I still prefer it over Singapore's humidity. It reminded me of how hard I worked to get here and how much of a break I needed from work. Of course, once in a while I still get a couple of notifications but all in all, I'm glad to be away. 

Among many places that we visited, Mount Wellington was my favourite. We managed to hire a driver to take us there and I definitely underestimated the climate on the mountain. It was roughly a 30 minute drive from Sandy Bay. I was eager with anticipation as it was my first encounter with snow and as we got out of the car, my hands were numb and I was freezing but my excitement outgrew the cold. Everything was beautiful and finally being able to experience snow gives me a sense of fulfillment. A part of me didn't want to leave but it'd really be silly not to. 

And then there were oysters. Yes, oysters. Throughout my stay, I only had one tray of oysters that I shared with Sab but if it wasn't already obvious enough, I love oysters. They are crazy expensive in Singapore (and well, they aren't that cheap here either) but nothing beats oysters with Tabasco sauce. I'm generally not a seafood person (I love me some lamb and beef) but I promise that you can easily win me over with a tray of oysters. 

If you're not a fan of raw/under cooked sea life, they sell fish and chips almost everywhere here! Sab brought me to Mures because it was one of her go-to spots and I understand why she loves it there. They serve a whole array of seafood! Their fish and chips are crispy, tender and fried just right - unlike the oily ones we have here (eek). 

Considering that many things here were shipped from the other states and that Tasmania is just an island, there weren't much shopping to do here. But still, if there's anything I always look forward to when coming to Australia, it would be Target (or Tar-jayyy) and K-mart. Both of those places are plus-size friendly without having to cause a hole in my pocket. I love that I never have to worry about not finding the right size because there is always something for everyone. (I went crazy and bought two pairs of boots for AUD $15 each). 

If you appreciate historic monuments like me, you'd find Richmond a treasure cove. We paid a visit to the Richmond Bridge and took pleasure admiring ducks paddling along the river and seeing some of the locals feeding them. If you happen to plan a trip there, do drop by the cafe that's situated near the bridge to buy a packet of duck food. I love how there aren't any restrictions in feeding wildlife here. After which, we went to Richmond Gaol. Having a father who works as a prison warden (who is also a history fanatic) means you have your own tour guide to this kind of places - also happened when we went to Melbourne Gaol. 

And for the rest of our time, we were either walking around, binging on friends (and chips) or chilling outdoors. 

I've always loved the idea of travelling, learning about other cultures and meeting new people. But amidst all the mingling, I enjoyed being on my own best because that's when I can truly sharpen my senses and appreciate the little things around me. 

To my surprise, I found myself looking forward to going home - mainly because I miss $5 meals. On the second last day, I got pretty home sick and splurged on a $14 bowl of laksa. Still doesn't beat the one at home. 

I've spent many days thinking how I should end this post. So to simply put it, I honestly don't know what I feel about this trip. 

I started out overwhelmed with excitement and came back feeling unchanged. It was unlike my previous vacations where I felt renewed and right now, I'm just confused. 

If it's any consolation, perhaps there's more that I've yet to discover. Perhaps this trip is gravitated towards learning how to (financially) cope on my own as opposed to self-love and self-discovery. 

Nonetheless, I have many years ahead of me and many more chances to fulfill those motives as well as my wanderlust. 

I'd like to end of by giving a special shout-out to my better-half. Thanks for hosting me and being an awesome roomie. I can't wait for you to graduate and be back here for good! *spams hugs and kisses* 

Things To Consider Before Taking Your Part Time (Nursing) Degree

Photo from weheartit

Registering for my part-time degree was no doubt an impulse decision. Of course, it sounded like a worthy investment but considering that not much has changed for me in terms of actual career progression, is it really worth it now?

But here it is people. Here it is.

          School fees and loans.

My degree costed a total of approximately SGD $16 000 inclusive of administrative fees. If I remembered correctly, this was one of the cheapest institutions with others ranging up to SGD $20 000. If you were a disciplined spender who could afford it, then you'd probably have no problems at all. But if you're a big spender like me? It would be nearly impossible.

I decided to take up a loan from Mendaki because I felt like they could be a bit more forgiving than banks when it comes to repayments. The remaining were paid by myself (thank goodness that the fees were due on my bonus months) and also with the help of my dad.

Many people had this misconception that working adults are supposed to be able to afford a lot but you'd be surprise to know that working adults get broke very, very fast. We splurge on loans and bills. And groceries and transport (goodbye student concession) etc etc. So, no, we're not rich.

After the completion of the program, I finally realized that the student loans took a toll on me. At 23 years old, I was paying two student loans - diploma and degree - and not to mention other payments (damn you, taxes). It was still a heavy burden to bear and it's something I wished I could've planned in advance. Nonetheless, seeing the balance decrease every month felt like a little bit of weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

          Institution and location.

If there was anything I was proud of, it was choosing to settle with Curtin Singapore.

Since I was a nursing student, I've always heard about how prestigious the nursing course is in Curtin University. It started out as a goal to migrate and study there but I decided to settle for a more realistic (and affordable) option.

Majority of the offshore campuses in Singapore that provide bachelors in nursing are recognized worldwide (last I check). But every institution have a different study approach. Some are more research based while others are more concentrated on assignments and exams. You'd have to do a bit of research to find out which school is more suitable to your learning strengths. A good source would be from an alumni of that particular school.

Also, since you'd be working full-time and studying part-time, location is another important factor. I end work at 4.30pm and my class starts at 6pm and since most of the time I can't anticipate what time I end or how the traffic is going to be like, I'd tend to book a grabhitch or an uber (which reminds me oh please bring back those days when I had more travel options) which in turn, burns a hole in my wallet. It helps if your workplace or your home is near your school so you won't waste a lot of your energy and money travelling.

And trust me, school after a long 9 hour shift with no meals (at times) is really, really exhausting. (Ask my coursemates how often I sleep in class).

Which brings me to my next point!

          Time Management

Working three shifts and studying part-time has got to be one of the hardest things to do because you're so tired all the time.

Again, if you're like me, you'd struggle really badly with this.

A lot of my dates with Aziz back then involved going to his school (because it has everything) and completing my assignments and doing as much studying as I can. Most of the time I can't last more than two hours (lol kidding, I netflix after one hour of studying) without feeling like my brain was going to explode because my body was already so lethargic from work and other things.

I shall spare you the agony of sharing my experiences on how most of my assignments were completed merely hours before the deadline because it has happened too many times but if there was anything I've learned is to complete your assignment as soon as it's been given to you.

Having good time management is a skill you'd desperately need (yes I said desperate because it's so important) to have while studying part-time.

I know how deadlines may seem very far away but the longer you delay, the more work you accumulate. And don't even get me started on having to spare at least 24 hours to check on plagiarism.

          Is it recognized at the place you work at?

If your degree came from a local university like NUS or SIT, you're most likely to be employed with an SN 1 rank as opposed to diploma holders who'll come in as an SN 2.

However, some work places (like mine unfortunately) don't recognize degrees from offshore campuses so you'd pretty much feel like you've wasted your time because you won't be promoted based on the particular degree.

So, if your goal to take a degree is for promotion purposes, I'd recommend to settle for a local university just to be safe.

Or just work your butt off and get promoted based on the quality of your work - which is better in my opinion.
   
          Lastly, are you willing to sacrifice leisure for mugging?

If there was anything I regret while I was a student (-ish), it was not being fully committed and not giving it my all till my last semester.

Whether you strive to do well or do barely enough to scrape through, you'd definitely need to be disciplined and hardworking to pull through till the end.

Since majority of your classmates are also working shifts and probably living xyz miles away from you, it will be a bit of a challenge to get together for group meetings.

I cannot help but realize how much of my time going for classes can actually be used to rest or spend time with my loved ones. Other than the fees, taking the course itself was mentally and physically exhausting.

Needless to say, I wasn't prepared.

Right now, seeing that I'm finally done, I won't say that I regret it, but I'm sure as hell glad that it's over. There are some things in life that I wouldn't mind experiencing again (like poly), but I definitely wouldn't want to go through those 16 months again.

Before you think that I'm scarring you into not pursuing a part-time degree (because let's face it, unless you're all brains, there's no way you can get into a full-time local uni at your first try at least), I am just stating facts based on my experience.

Of course, I'm not saying that you'd have to kiss your social life goodbye because like I said, time management and self-discipline is key.

My journey may not have been fruitful (and I dare say that it is not because of the people I meet but because juggling work and school is just so goddamn tiring), but since it earned me a degree at the end, I must say that it's worth it. After all, just because it's hard, it doesn't make it impossible.

My last piece of advice is to endure, endure and endure and just stay positive. You've got this!

Seeking Refuge

Words don't flow out of my mouth as easily as when I type them. Like a composer who meddles with ways on how to write the perfect song, I seek refuge by expressing my feelings through writing.

I'm heartbroken. A non scientific term that as a nurse, was taught to not use because how can a heart be physically broken? But when it feels like your heart is getting heavier and palpitating even harder every second and then it finally sinks to the bottom of your stomach, how else would you call it?

Pain. Nothing but pain. Pain on your chest from taking in too much emotional struggles all at once. Pain from throbbing headaches. Pain in your neck from multiple failed attempts at swallowing tears and sore eyes from tugging them a little too roughly.

Anger, knowing that genuine words are left unacknowledged and unappreciated. And sad, from disappointment of the outcome.

So many words and yet not one other person can fully understand what it is that I'm feeling.

But if it makes it any easier, I've got one word to sum it all.

Regret.
.

Realizing That Nursing Isn't For Me

I've contemplated writing about my job for a long time. There are probably some of you who wouldn't agree with what I have to say but do keep in mind that this is my platform where I'd express my innermost thoughts.

Being a nurse for two years has definitely not expose me to every kind of challenge there is in nursing and also in the working world - but here's my two cents. 

You've probably read about the struggles of being a nurse and before you even begin to cringe and ponder if they are accurate, well, they are. 

On most days, things like having to hold our bladder, not being able to go for breaks at all, working for more than 5 consecutive days (if I may add, for at least 9 hours a day) are almost (emphasis on almost) the least of our problems. 

The list goes on and I can't even begin to comprehend how exhausting it is. I wish I could say that in years to come, I'd be immune to any kind of problem being thrown at me. Unfortunately, given how emotionally driven I am as a person, small things affect me one way or another. I'd like to think that words won't hurt as much as sticks and stones do, but dealing with patients (and a couple of co-workers) who belittles you on a regular basis does some thing to a person. 

BUT. That's probably just me, and it is an insecurity I've had for a long time but lets not get into that. 

The biggest challenge I've ever had to face as a nurse would be the fact that nurses always come last. 

If you think about it, we are constantly putting others before ourselves. Emptying our bladders and filling our stomach would have to wait because it either interferes with medication rounds, other patients calling and/or fulfilling doctor's orders.

I'm not a perfect nurse. In fact, I'm far from perfect. More often than not, I struggle through busy shifts with little or no breaks. If that doesn't sound convincing enough, I've pretty much lost count of the amount of family gatherings I had to miss because of my conflicting working schedules.

Words truly cannot describe how much nurses have dedicated a huge portion of their everyday lives to their jobs.

I think it is safe to say, that without a doubt, this profession has finally taken a toll on me.

If there was something that the people closest to me and I could agree on, is that I've been unhappy lately. And it was the kind of unhappiness you know that wouldn't be temporary if you don't do something about it.

It's exhausting - having to work a 9-12 hour shift and putting others before yourself - and then leaving work with no compassion left to give.

It's a tad frustrating on how they try to glamorize this profession. No doubt that the ability to touch someone else's life is an amazing thing, but know this, not everyone appreciates what we do.

Everyday, I come home exhausted and all in all, I don't feel content.

Of course, out of the many difficult patients I have, there'll be a couple nice ones - and those are the people who will always make it worthwhile. BUT, for how long more?

I still believe that nursing is an honorable profession. But at the end of the day, it came with an expense - sacrificing more time with the ones I love, my happiness and possibly, my sanity - and that, to me at least, is not worth it.

Perhaps I'm not as passionate as I once was and therefore, not the same person I was before. Perhaps I'm sensitive. Perhaps I don't know how to handle difficult situations.

Perhaps, it's     just     me. 

Being 23 and Completely Lost

When I was 13, I remembered making a mental five-year-plan in my head. It was rather simple back then - pass O Levels and move on to poly.

At 18 when my polytechnic life started, I couldn't wait to zoom into the future. Again, I planned, and somehow predicted how my life would be like within the next few years. Of course, I didn't look forward to growing up (and growing older) especially with the responsibilities that came with it. But unfortunately, turning back time wasn't an option - so I made the best out of it.

Again, it was simpler. Get through three years of polytechnic, get my diploma at the end of it and move on to working life.

Today, I'm 23.

If you'd ask me ten years ago, I'd be sure to tell you that I'll see myself as a nurse today because that was what I wanted to be. I had a fiery passion towards helping sick people and a fairly strong desire to see people get better and healthier. It was a career that gave me the chance to witness life-changing moments, both good and bad. It gave me a special kind of satisfaction that no other profession can give and for a while, I was content with where I was in life.

But here's the thing, I'm not 13 anymore. I'm 23.

I've honestly never thought that I'd find myself at another crossroad, and if I may add, the paths weren't as exciting as how it used to be. In fact, it's the total opposite. It was the fear of change and fear of failure that got me drowning in dilemma for so long.

It irritates me that I don't have anything going on and that once again, I'm left on a cliffhanger. My mind that's used to the idea of a more clearer future now only revolves around one question - what now?

And then it struck me, that being lost may not necessarily be a bad thing.

As much as it pains me to know that my life may be leading towards many different (and very confusing) directions at once, I guess I owe it to myself to see this as an opportunity to discover myself.

I'd like to think that being lost means walking into a whole new world of possibilities. To be 23 and still have a lot of years ahead of me is indeed a privilege to be thankful for and that it's okay if I'm not acing in my career yet.

Today, at 23, it's hard to be grateful - especially so when disappointments just keeps on piling up. In fact, every time someone wishes me happy birthday, I'd find myself trying to swallow back my tears because it seems as though there's not much to be happy about.

And then there it was, the quote that sits on my desk which says, "Sometimes on the way to the dream, you get lost and find a better one."

Indeed, no one gets anywhere by staying stagnant.

I'd like to end this post hoping that in a few years, I'd be given more opportunities to advance myself or divert my career path towards the culinary arts or maybe, just maybe, become someone's wife. But if there's anything that I've learned from this experience is that it's okay if I don't have the answers now.

But if there's anything certain, whether I'm 33 or 73, is that I'll be thankful for this phase. And right now, after I'm done gaining back the energy that I've wasted from moping nearly the entire day, I'm just going to enjoy being 23 and lost.

Because after all, you need to be lost, in order to be found.

Walking on Sunshine

I used to think that living in Singapore means that I'll always be able to survive warm weather conditions in countries which are supposedly said to be cooler. Oh boy was I wrong.

I've visited Australia three times now and all during the late summer-early autumn period. It can get very unpredictable and despite the cold winds, believe it or not, the sun seems a gazillion times hotter there. I believe there's a scientific (or possibly geographical) explanation for this but I'll leave that to the experts.

Whichever the case, sunscreen became my best friend. I remembered having to keep on slathering sunscreen on my arms and face every few hours because I could literally feel the heat going through my skin.

I don't know about you guys, but I heavily rely on social influencers/beauty gurus before getting a product - sometimes without realizing that there's a possibility they may be paid to only point out the good things.

I never usually thought of what makes a good sunscreen, and little did I know that there are various components that contributes to one.

I've recently been introduced to reviews.com, where they did a study and tested out 135 sunscreens to see which is the best.

There are surprisingly many, many kinds. I thought they'd only come in lotion or sprays but apparently, there's a powder form too!

Their content contains the pretty basic components of a typical study. For example, the exemption criteria, a large population group (in this case, a variety of sunscreens) and the experiment itself. It was pretty informative and trust me, if I could understand it, so could you!

After reading the whole article, I figured that this was my biggest take home message:

Source: Reviews.com

Even if you aren't looking for a sunscreen, you'd come to realize that you're actually learning lots of useful stuff!

Now when you're in dilemma, you no longer have to ponder over multiple youtube videos and blog posts because now you can just visit the website which will tell it all!

Have a good week ahead lovelies! Xx
(Direct link to article, here.)

Bittersweet

Remember when I said that I've built these high, thick walls to prevent myself from ever getting hurt again? I've realized that no matter how hard I try and whoever I meet, it will take one heck of a wrecking ball to break down those walls. (Don't cue song, I dare you.)

Aziz and I met around the period I was diagnosed with appendicitis. Of course, I would remember my hospital experience more vividly but if there was anything worth remembering, was that even as a stranger, he was there to alleviate my anxiety.

Days turned to weeks and we found ourselves developing a sense of intimacy towards each other. From what I recalled, it was mutual. I enjoyed the deep conversations we had about our past and I was surprised how open we were.

Within a span of weeks, our dates became more frequent and eventually, our conversations started circling around one question: What are we?

The timing wasn't great. He was juggling between family, school and work and I had my own commitments too. To add on to that, we both had personal goals and we were contemplating if whether or not it would be the right time to make it official.

As soon as I felt like I was falling into a bottomless pit, I decided to suppress the side of me that was overly attached, overly emotional and overly sensitive. I braced myself for the worst but even so, I was still holding on to that small glimpse of hope that he'd be willing to give me a chance.

Needless to say, we were both confused - although if I may add, I was a bit more open minded than he was.

I found myself on a cliffhanger, yet again. I was waiting for an answer to a hypothetical question that I didn't ask. It took me a while to realize that I no longer wanted to be an option - I wanted to be a choice.

When I mustered the courage to finally call him to tell him that I was taking a step back, it was then when he told me that he had made a decision. I expressed my frustration because in the midst of his dilemma, he was subconsciously leaving me hanging - and I didn't liked it.

I'd spare you the exact content of the conversation but he explained how he had already made up his mind about us but wanted to wait for our next date to confess.

I felt even more confused than I already was. Strangely, the questions that pondered my mind revolved around my insecurities. Eventually I realized that I liked this guy enough to put those aside, and we got together on a Sunday after he handed me roses, a well-written note and asked me to be his girlfriend.

I've gotten a lot of comments from friends about the fact that we were still in our honeymoon period and to a certain degree, they are quite right. But one thing that many people don't know is that things hasn't always been easy. Of course, it's only human for us to showcase the side of us that are happier but still, a lot goes on behind the scenes.

Nonetheless, I grew to love him for his resilience, his way with words and that no matter how exceedingly intense his schedule is, he will always make time for me.

Of course, on my part, I'm still a bit traumatized from my past (though I wouldn't admit it). I've spent a year or so not only building those walls, but also building up the courage to fight through my anxiety and finally being comfortable with the fact that it's okay to be alone. It took me a lot of  tears and sleepless nights to come to that.

That being said, I'm finally thankful for the past - the betrayals, heartbreaks and the many wrong decisions because if I were to have done one of those differently, I'd never would have been in this present state.

At nearly four months, I've come to realize that it's okay to be vulnerable. We both have our own set of fears and insecurities but what's amazing when two people love each other is agreeing to the fact that this is a once in a lifetime love. I still stand by what I said in my previous post - that my heart is strong and even if I lose at the end of the day, I know that I'd be okay.

For now, I'm gonna cherish every moment. Every study date, every late night skype call and every deep conversation we'll have. And if there ever comes a time when both of us are at a crossroads, I can only hope that we'll both love each other enough to take a leap of faith.

Xx

(On a side note, now that I've lowered your expectations on an attempt of writing a good how-we-met blogpost, you may now proceed to my boyfriends' page here.)

Syawal 2k17

As always, I've had this post in my drafts for the longest time ever. Life's been pretty hectic lately but I'll get into more of that in another post. 

This year's Syawal was indeed pretty fruitful. Of course, nothing was ever as complete since my late grandmother passed away some time back but nonetheless, it was always great being around family.

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I decided to go for something simple this year. So I bought my raya outfits from Maqayla and dare I say that it was one of the best decisions I've ever made! 

It took me back to a time when I was overly obsessed with floral prints. Of course if you know Maqayla, everything is always floral. Not that I'm complaining because one can never go wrong with floral, am i rite? ;) 

Apart from how eye catching it is (#lowkeyselfpraise), I loved how comfortable it is. Being in scorching hot Singapore always meant that it is crucial to find an outfit that doesn't make you sweat like a pig. Plus the outfit makes going in and out of people's houses (as well as in and out of the car) so much easier. 

I paired most of my raya outfits with my maroon heels I bought from Clarks. It was on the pretty pricey side but it was definitely worth the investment. 

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Needless to say, I haven't had a raya this satisfying for the longest time. As always, we spent our first day at our elder's. I don't know if this is the age talking, but I remembered being dead beat at the second house that I fell asleep on my nephew's bed and when I woke up, I saw some of the other cousins napping too! 

We made a move to Melacca straight after and it was a pretty short car ride if I might add. Not toot on my own horn but perhaps it was because I was used to long road trips in Australia, heh!

The following days after that were just regular visitings to other relatives.

And finally an outing with my poly friends. I was pretty sick that day (as you can tell by the lack of effort I put into dressing up) but I didn't really want to spoil the mood for anyone. It was indeed a pretty fun day full of laughs and good food. Of course I had to bring butterhalf along with me and introduced him to the gang. 

And that's a wrap for this year's Syawal. Have a great day ahead lovelies! Xx